F*ck Emotions

Human Emotions…ugh.  Let me start by stating the facts about my relationship with feelings.  I have repressed them and have made it a natural way of life to hide behind a smile when emotions come lurking around.  It is not easy for me to admit how I feel to anyone, and when I try, I can hear myself and imagine how much of an idiot I look like.  Yet when friends, family, and even stranger’s share their feelings with me, I am the first to jump onto the sinking ship and help patch up the hole to keep it from sinking to the bottom of the sea. 

When it comes to myself, all of my emotions keep piling up on top of each other dragging me deeper into the depths of the dark waters.  I guess that part of this is completely my fault because I have so much support and plenty of individuals who love and care for me.  I somehow have convinced myself that I will refuse to let others carry the weight of my emotions and my belief that it’s not fair for them to have too.  I have been working on this, and I promise I am more emotionally stable than a lot of individuals and part of that is because I have slowly evolved and adapted into making this a way of life for myself.  Or have I convinced myself that I have adapted?

Recently, I read a book about consciousness and one of the chapters spoke about the possibility of individuals learning new ways to adapt in the world by learning new traits and in a way evolving.  For example, a blind man who has learned to utilize clicking noises to create a sonar to allow him to see his surroundings without him visually seeing.  It’s amazing the things that we can adapt to when we are forced too.  A person who loses limbs can adapt to utilizing other limbs to make up for the ones they lost for writing and being mobile. The possibilities are endless, but my question is: why do we have to wait for something drastic to occur for us to adapt and learn new traits? 

Body wise, if you have the money, you are able to pay for surgical modifications that can alter any body part.  An individual can fully change their physical body to change their appearance in any way or form.  As humans, we are conditioned to think and act a certain way so why not use all these things to our advantage to become the best version of ourselves without having to wait for extreme circumstances to occur?  We stay in toxic relationships hoping they will get better and for what?  Time keeps moving, and even without time moving, our lives can change drastically within seconds.  As I’m writing this midair, my plane could crash down and that could be it.  It was Einstein that said, “you can choose to live your life as if everything is a miracle or if it’s not”.   

So back to my question: have I convinced myself that I have adapted?  No I have not.  Last week I had my first mini breakup, and it hit me hard.  I did not know how to react to it, and I took it a bit hard because I had convinced myself that I would never go through this. What did I do to understand these feelings?

  1. I let my pride go and reached out to those who I trust
  2. I asked questions and researched answers (read various articles and studies)
  3. Became one with my feelings (Still working on this)
  4. I spoke to the person who made me feel these feelings (I’m a very straightforward person which scares some, but some appreciate)

I learned a lot about my emotions and who I am as a person; I can say that I am beyond proud of myself.  I don’t know about tomorrow but we have to live to be happy.  And I truly believe that even when you are going through pain and sadness, you and only you can choose to adapt to your new environment and live a good life.  Not a perfect happy sitcom life, but a life worth living … with emotions.  Good and bad, it is part of life so let’s live, love, laugh, cry, hate, let’s feel and adapt and make the best of this short life we have.  I know I will at the least, and I hope others join me.  Let’s not get stuck in this moment with a mindset that “one day” will happen.  Let’s make one day be today. 

Also, on a positive note, my singing has gotten better because I can now sing about songs about heartbreak because I had a mini one.

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